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Government Invests in Thoughts and Prayers for BC Residents Without a Family Doctor

To meet the healthcare needs of the nearly one million people in British Columbia without a family doctor, the Province is investing $89.317 million dollars to create a network of facilities delivering thoughts and prayers to every corner of BC.

These facilities, dubbed "Universal Prayer and Compassion Centres" (UPCCs), will offer a dynamic range of services ensuring that thoughts and prayers for better health can be equitably accessed by every British Columbia resident, in multiple languages and media formats.

British Columbians expect a made-in-BC solution to healthcare. The last thing we want to do is import proven approaches from other jurisdictions.

No expense will be spared. We've secured prime real estate. We want to make sure they're really shiny so people notice them.

John Horgan, Premier

The Province is treating this with the urgency it deserves. It's an "all hands on deck" situation. MLA's will be fanning out across the province in the coming weeks to launch these innovative centres.

Some resources may temporarily be diverted from elsewhere. One casualty may be the department responsible for reporting quantitative healthcare effectiveness metrics to the public. Staff have been temporarily reassigned to the UPCC logo design task force.

While I very much enjoyed my long secondment to the Ministry of LNG, I'm looking forward to boosting the health of BC residents.

Aloysius Smith, co-op student and sole member of Metrics Reporting department

Premier Horgan also noted this unprecedented step is only required because of the years of neglect, mismanagement, and overall meanness displayed by the previous Liberal government.

I hate to say it, but it's true. We Liberals would never have the guts to put this kind of massive investment into health. We'll be watching to ensure the shine of the UPCCs is as bright as they claim. They need to be held to account on that!

Kevin Falcon, leader, B.C. Liberals

Horgan was joined for the announcement by several ministers to communicate how thoughts and prayers will satisfy the healthcare needs of British Columbians for a generation, and were really the best option to do so.

It's not like we could control doctors, who are completely independent and cannot be influenced in any way. What were we supposed to do, provide incentives of some kind for them to deliver healthcare differently? Better that we take control and do it ourselves. I'm confident the UPCCs will provide 1 million prayers before the next election.

Adrian Dix, Minister of Health Wishes

This will have an immediate impact on the mental health of everyone across the province. Before this, we were even considering trying to attract mental health clinicians. I'm so glad we no longer have to take that drastic step.

Sheila Malcolmson, Minister of Mental Health and Addictions Public Relations

In parallel with the rollout of the new Universal Prayer and Compassion Centres, the Province is also actively seeking to partner with a telecom giant to deliver telethought and teleprayer services to those who may have difficulty accessing the UPCC in-person due to unresolved health challenges.

It was very important to me personally that these UPCCs include the word "universal." I've always believed that the universality of our healthcare system is fundamental. If every citizen in BC can't have a family doctor, nobody should. We're working very hard to make that a reality.

John Horgan, Premier

This is, as I hope should be obvious, a work of satire.