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BC Government Proclaims February 2^nd "Health System Excellence Day"

To recognize the tremendous efforts of British Columbia's one-of-a-kind healthcare leadership in creating the health system we have today, the Province is proclaiming a new statutory holiday each February 2^nd: Health System Excellence Day.

I am so proud of the tremendous efforts of Ministry of Health and health authority senior leadership, our many vice presidents, and all the middle managers who have sacrificed so much to ensure the wellbeing of front-line clinical staff and patients.

Health System Excellence Day celebrates the BC Way^TM: continue to do exactly the same thing again and again, building on previous successes.

A series of announcements are planned throughout the day to unveil:

• even more Urgent and Primary Care Centres (budget allocated, staffing plan TBD)
• additional levels of bureaucracy within health authorities
• a new ad campaign to boost the use of hand sanitizer to fight that-which-shall-not-be-named
• new legislation to make any public disclosure of health system information a capital offence
• funding to create separate electronic health records for every region within each health authority, to prioritize local needs
• additional new forms that must be completed by family doctors each time they provide patient advice that did not receive prior health authority approval

As is traditional practice, the collection of detailed metrics to evaluate the success of these measures has been deferred in the interests of protecting taxpayer dollars.

The BC Government is looking forward to the upcoming First Ministers meeting on health, and the opportunity to devote even more new funds towards its winning health strategy.

We've already launched a special task force to funnel all the new money we're expecting from the feds towards our new health human resources strategy. We want to keep the focus on front-line workers and how much we're supporting them. We're preparing a multi-million dollar targeted ad campaign to remind them they are the best paid in Canada, are lucky to be able to live in BC, and should be eternally grateful for the support of this government.

We're in the process of negotiating a 5% discount on muffin purchases for healthcare workers, to be administered through a state-of-the-art centralized registry.

In light of recent enhancements to governance and accountability, the BC Government anticipates the full support of all health professionals. A statement from Dr. Josh Greggain, president of Doctors of BC, was expected. However, he is recovering in hospital after biting through his tongue.

The premier will also present the inaugural Golden Fluevog award to Dr. Bonnie Henry, recognizing her unparalleled talents in advancing scientific literacy in the province. The award also comes with a contract for a two-year position at Telus (senior-VP level) at the conclusion of her government appointment. One thousand nurses and doctors have been excused from their clinical responsibilities in order to serenade Dr. Henry.

I can think of no better day than February 2^nd to celebrate our many achievements. In fact, several months into the planning, when it was pointed out that this was also Groundhog Day, we didn't even think twice about changing the date. We know our first thought is always the best, and change is a sign of weakness. We stuck with our original plan, just as we've always done with health care in BC.

This is, as I hope should be obvious, a work of satire.